Swimming to the Sun

5 minute read

The last week or so has been seriously challenging – and I’m not talking about training to swim the Henley Mile! Not at all. This is life stuff.

One morning, I could barely focus. The thoughts around the issue I was dealing with weighed heavily on my mind. No matter how much I told myself to stop thinking about matters, the thoughts returned, whirling, twisting and finding new avenues to explore in my thought space.

Sometimes it’s not being able to control situations we find ourselves in that cause our stress levels to rise. A lot of us – me included – live in a problem-solving mindset, anticipating, organising, planning, preparing and trying to resolve issues and events in our lives. There is nothing wrong with that. It only starts to become a problem when one or more of them goes into hyperdrive. I was trying to resolve the issue I was facing in my mind. I was trying to understand it, process it and figure out the best way forward, but I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was going around in circles. Navigating any difficult, unfamiliar experience is mentally exhausting, but I had no choice with this one. No one else could fight this battle but me.

“Turn that negative into a positive” my mum would say whenever I was in a funk.

I went swimming.

As I was getting changed, Lucio, a fellow swimmer I had recently met, greeted me warmly as he walked up the ramp to the outdoor changing area. He was in demand as another swimmer had spotted his approach and was already beginning to talk to him. Lucio raised his hand to waist level and with his index finger pointed, said “one minute” to the eager swimmer, before heading over to talk to me. Recently, I’d recommended Freeze the Fear with Wim Hof to Lucio so we chatted about how much progress the celebrities had made since the show started.

The conversation was brief, but it was Lucio’s determination to talk to me and his appreciation of the recommendation that impacted me that morning. When he thanked me, it came from the heart. It was obvious to me that the recommendation had done something for him. When you’re going through your own stuff, sometimes it’s short conversations like these that remind you that there are still nice people in this world. When you’re fighting your own battles, that’s easily forgotten.

As soon as I got into the water, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. At 18 degrees, I didn’t get that same bite as I plunged my whole body into the water by the pontoon slope, but the uncontrollable smile appeared. I was home.

After some settling in time sat on the pontoon, I readied myself to dive in. Straightening my arms above my head, squeezing my elbows into my ears, left hand on top of the right with my head tucked into my chin, I took a deep breath and dived into the water. Dolphin kicking, I dived as deep and as long as my inhalation would carry me. The dolphin movement starts as a wave of the chest, with the body, legs and feet flowing elegantly behind. I surface only for air and a quick assessment of the distance I’ve travelled, before diving down again, body rolling mermaid style. Under the water with the endless darkness beneath me and the sky’s light above me, I feel free.

Bursting to the surface, I take in air and tread water, hands and feet moving in sync to keep me afloat. With every deep breath, I felt lighter and lighter. The problem was not with me in the water but somewhere back on land. Reprieve at last.

I moved into breaststroke, beginning my first lap.

An overcast sky rolled slowly above me, blanketing the water in light grey clouds.

I swam.

Unexpectedly, the clouds parted, and the sun burst through defiantly.

That morning, the sun’s defiance felt like a gift from God. For me, it was a sign from the Universe reminding me that even in sadness and stress, I am not alone. It was a reminder that there is always beauty in nature despite how low I may be feeling. It was a reminder to be grateful for miracles.

I swam.

I swam as if I was swimming towards the sun. The pull and glide of breaststroke took me closer and closer to her.

Alone in the water, I felt supported and loved. The sun was loving on me, the water was loving on me and nothing else mattered.

The water did something to me that morning. A cleansing of the body and the mind happened. Mostly, my problems stayed on land, briefly surfacing a few times, before evaporating. I was starting to let go.

Even with the very real prospect that the thoughts would return, swimming in nature was a release of all the hurt, disappointment and confusion I was experiencing.

In life there are always going to be challenges. We know this. It’s a part of life. Everyone tells you that challenges exist to make you stronger, but when you’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to welcome that way of thinking when all you want is for the problem to go away and leave you alone.

I know for a fact that I will come out of this one stronger. I will learn from this experience; I will learn from the pain and I will grow.

I know I am not the first woman to go through something like this and I know I won’t be the last. Someone out there has it ten times harder than me. I can only hope that they are able to find solace in something that brings them back to themselves as I did that morning when I swam towards the sun.

Linked Recommendations

Slay in Your Lane, The Black Girl Bible, Yomi Adegoke and Elizabeth Uviebinené

‘Still I Rise,’ Maya Angelou (from And Still I Rise: A Book of Poems

Still I Rise – the best reading by Maya Angelou, You Tube

Can’t hold we down, Kano ft Popcaan

Three Little Birds, Bob Marley

Freeze the Fear with Wim Hoff, BBC1