The first step is invariably the hardest, but sometime the most courageous thing to do is take that first step.

For me the first step was entering the competition, I knew if I won, I would have no excuses left not to get back into routinely swimming, and an Open Water event at that, something I have always found excuses not to do…. until now.

My joy at learning I had won This Girl Can competition, turned very quickly to my old friend, anxiety; would I be able to complete the training plan? Let alone the swim at the Henley Mile? I also tested positive for covid a day after finding out, cue more anxiety about not being able to start my training on time. Today I took the first step and started my training, just 30mins in the local pool but it’s a start.

I recently rediscovered my love for swimming thanks to the Help For Heroes Sports Recovery programme. I attended an open water swimming course last September provided by the charity for veterans, it was amazing! I learnt so much, I felt like I had not only rediscovered my love for swimming, but also completely learnt how to swim again. The coach was fantastic, breaking our strokes down and rebuilding them, I now know I have a much more efficient stroke, but I have yet to put it to any use.

This photo was taken just after we had finished our end of course challenge, to swim a mile in the sea. It was pure happiness on my face. But it didn’t come easily and there were many challenges I had to overcome during the swim, some of which I succeeded with, others I am still battling with.

I was medically discharged from the military 10 years ago; I suffer with a chronic health condition brought on by PTSD after 3 tours to Iraq as a Commando helicopter pilot. Physically now I am in a good place, but the PTSD means I still suffer with anxiety; catastrophising, constantly thinking about the ‘what ifs’ to the point at which I would rather bury my head in the sand and not face up to my fears. With open water swimming this is in the form of panic attacks, when I can’t catch my breath because of the cold, or start I worrying about not knowing what’s beneath me, or whether or not I will be able to swim back to the shore.

This image popped up on my Facebook feed this week, and it is so true. I know from completing the challenge with Help For Heroes how happy I felt open water swimming, but since then the fear and anxiety has meant I have found (so) many excuses not to get myself into a routine of open water swimming. Maybe it the military comfort blanket of having a team who have always got your back that I have been missing, but I certainly feel the other 5 women in the This Girl Can Swim are already providing me with the support and accountability I need, and have missed, to set me off in the right direction.

Although I am a bit behind in my training due to covid I have now finally started which is the important thing. Baby steps…..today the local indoor pool maybe next week the outdoor pool, then there’s the Thames which is 5 mins away, or a training lake, who knows?!